Local man marks weight loss by now seeing his .5 inch penis

Bret McGomfry was rounding 49. He’d worked at Standard, in Salem, Ohio, his whole life. The chili cheese dogs had chased him down the path to obesity. He had gained 800 pounds. Miraculously, he could still walk, though irregular, and sideways. He’d never seen his penis. He lived alone, wifeless. He started working out — to the dismay of the neighbors below him. The Cold War era apartment complex. He stood in front of the full mirror at night, staring at his visage, declaring his worth. He’d look almost through himself, like he was searching for a different way of being inside. A being less ridiculed, a being loved.

When asked for comment, Bret very calmly asked to speak to the Salem News Higher ups. Said the young reporter, who claimed affiliation with Salem News, had crossed multiple ethical boundaries. He was officially filing a police report.

He started walking to work — pulling a lever for a machine to press a tub, bath, jacuzzi, out of warm plastic. He did not know the laughing faces following his sideways shuffle. But his progress progressed, his mirror matra hypnotized him, and the pounds decreased and the walk straightened.

Salem Police Report: I simply post in the FB Salem group that I’m beginning my weight loss journey. Then two days later, this creepy gen x knocks on my door — says he’s a reporter for Salem News, and that believe it or not, I’d become a legend in town. He said for my niceties, my general personality. But really, I know, my colossal…